BY SUSIE VERRILL
One of the most annoying things about motherhood is the on-going “advice” and snarky comments about what you should and (mostly) shouldn’t be doing for your child. And for any self-doubting, sleep-deprived, crack-nippled new mum, it’s enough to send you bonkers. Well, over at Milo & Me straight-talking Susie decided to put a sock in these overly-helpful parental mouths by answering those well-meaning, but annoying things that other parents say. I’m sure you can relate.
‘DH/DD/DS’ – Mumsnet chat. I ended up on there once while pregnant, it was horrendous. I think I nearly had a stroke. ‘Darling husband, darling daughter and darling son’ have no place in my world.
‘Are you STILL nursing?’ – No I’m not STILL nursing. I’m nursing.
‘Oh we were really strict about that’ – when we mention we co-sleep. Like it wasn’t a well thought out, adult decision to share our bed and instead, from the offset Greg & I just couldn’t be arsed to move our baby in to a cot. We also let him stay out ’til 10pm, flicking fag butts at stray cats and telling old people to piss off; what can I say? We just weren’t strict enough. Milo’s also already got a pen knife. Slack parenting.
‘You’re making a rod for your own back with that one!’ – because we didn’t leave him to cry. Once, when Milo was about 10 days old and had cried every. single. time we’d put him down anywhere, I thought I’d put him in his Graco swing and see how long it took him to calm himself down. 35 minutes later, I was deaf, Milo was the colour of fire engines and I realised I wasn’t cut out for not comforting the human I’d created.
‘Wait until he’s…’ – three, running, climbing, going to school, a teenager etc etc. There’s no end to this one. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there are good and bad points in each and every stage so when someone tells you to wait with baited breath for the next diabolical experience you’re about to have, ignore ’em. You’ve got through it so far.
‘I’m sticking to feeding schedules’ – If the baby seems hungry, it’s probably hungry. Or one of the youngest pranksters ev-er. I used to hate being asked if I was ‘stretching’ Milo’s food breaks out for a certain amount of hours because he never bloody managed it and then I’d feel stressed. It’s not worth getting eggy over.
‘Oh it’s OK, it’ll just help his immune system’ – whenever Milo’s playing in dirt, rolling on the floor, being snogged by our dogs. I love when kids are free to get messy and run around like wild things outdoors but I draw the line at our dogs tonguing his face. *I* wouldn’t want an animal who feasts on its own nutsack slurping all over me and the same goes for my son. Mud, yes. Canine bumhole, no.
‘He’s 42 months old’ – Stop it. Count in years now your child is old enough to not look like a cute Winston Churchill.
‘My vagina hasn’t changed at all since birth’ – Neither has mine. Except sometimes now when I walk up the stairs it sounds like the rag ‘n’ bone man’s on his rounds.
‘You can absolutely have it all’ – You *can*, but one of the things you’re trying to juggle probably won’t be done to a great standard. Take my life for example; if I’m firing on all cylinders work/parenting wise; my house will look like a landfill site. Or I won’t have text four of my friends back.